Wednesday, September 25, 2019

To Love by Halves

I don’t know how
To love by halves and measures,

To share myself in parts and pieces,
To give you only the parts of myself that you will find acceptable,
To hide the things that make me me beyond your reasoned ken,
I’ve never been able to keep myself from pouring out into each person
The total beautiful ecstasy of being who I am

And in like turn,
How can I receive only parts of you?
How can I take the Love you’re offering me
Without the terror that comes with some of the choices you make?
Or how could I reject you because I think what you’re doing is “wrong” or “sinful” or “not enough,”
Even in my most religious days, I could not in my heart pretend we weren’t One,
Though I thought it was possible to hate a part of you while loving another,
And yet I never knew how to reject you in part and love you in part,
And so I took you as whole whether or not I liked it

But oh, I’ve learned through trials and traumas
That sometimes I have to pull away and hide myself from prying eyes,
Not in shame, for I have learned to love all of who I am,
But out of respect for the relationship that would end
If you decided to hate the sin and not the sinner,
To cut me into parts and pieces and choose only a part of me to accept, relate with, and love,
For I am whole now, and what Yahweh has joined together let no man tear asunder

What God has joined together, let no man tear asunder…

And yet,
I cannot help but wonder if it might be healthier to learn to love by halves,
To be satisfied with superficialities,
And trust with trivialities,
To joke about the weather and lament at sporting losses,
To connect in commonalities,
Friendships that only happen at certain moments and certain places
Where we engage in activities based on something we both enjoy doing,
But outside of that, we do not talk at all,
And if I ever needed help,
I could not call or reach out and expect any reciprocation

They say that it’s not common to go deep,
That most of us have only one or two people with whom we share our hearts,
And it’s not like I want to spend all day every day
In the depths of our Beings,
But I wonder if it should be this way,
Or if it is only this way because everyone else has learned already
What I am learning now…
Not everyone can be trusted with everything,
Not everyone will value the whole,
Will have the capacity for the greater knowing
Will desire the deeper things,
And sometimes when you go beyond their comfort zones,
They will, mob-like, attack with torches and pitchforks,
And so it’s better to lock your heart behind great stone walls
And wait for the three or four who are brave enough to cross the moat
And climb to the top of the tower to meet the royalty that awaits within

It never even occurred to me before to love by halves,
That some people might not need to know everything about me,
Might not want to share in the beauty of what I see,
I thought that those who hurt and rejected me were the strange ones,
And that someday I’d find my people who were able to see more,
But now I think that maybe I’m the odd one,
Maybe I should learn to love by halves and measures, parts and pieces,
And maybe that will be satisfying to some,
Maybe for that relationship, that will be enough

Or maybe I’ll hide here safely in my tower,
And secretly love completely anyway
Sending out energies and frequencies that rearrange the whole cosmos
And maybe open up some eyes to see greater depths
And meet me there in the darkest places
To love in new and greater ways,
Maybe I’ll learn a new way to love…

Thursday, September 19, 2019

An Open Letter to My Emotions

Hey guys,
It’s been a long time,
And I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you,
Sorry I pretended you did not exist
Or tried to force you into some acceptable, logical, religious form that could be displayed
And understood by others,
Or stuffed you down in guilt and shame so that you seemed to disappear,
But were really always there hiding in the deepest depths of my being,
In the recesses of my memories,
In the subconscious decisions and dreams,
In the very cells of my body,
My bad…

I really should have known better,
Should have known that you were there to help me, to make me into the whole,
Beautiful, well-rounded person that I am,
To guide me in my decision-making,
To connect me to others,
Should have known that I would not be feeling you without a good reason,

But society told me that if I displayed you in certain ways,
I would be ridiculed and mocked, unsafe in my own expression,
And religion told me you were sinful,
That you needed to be tightly controlled or I would be displeasing God…
God, who gave you to me in the first place!

And so I did what I thought I had to do,
I mutilated you, I cut you into shreds and chose some shreds as allowable and others as anathema
In the good section, I put joy, peace, happiness, patience, compassion
In the evil section I put anger, sadness, fear, resentment, pain
And then I spent my life seeking good and shunning evil to the point where
I did not learn how to deal with or acknowledge the fact that someone hurt me,
To the point where I did not learn how to have healthy discussions with those with whom I disagree
To the point where I did not learn how to read you and let you show me the facet of Love
That you were designed to show me,
To sift through the nuances and understand you so that
I could glide through situations and relationships with greater awareness

In shunning you, anger, I allowed people to hurt me and then tell me that the only reason I was hurt
Was because I was too sensitive or too easily offended,
That basically they should be able to do whatever they wanted, say whatever they wanted,
And I should feel guilty if I wasn’t okay with it

In shunning you, sadness, I refused the comfort of the LORD when I was in the darkest of situations,
The guilt I felt for feeling you made me work so hard to get rid of you so that I could once again be acceptable
to the God who longed to meet me within you and hold me while I wept and grieved and felt things deeply
That I couldn’t meet Him there,
And instead floundered in agony without glory until you left me alone and I felt joy once again,
Thus losing out on the opportunity to know Yahweh in a way that can only be known in the deepest despairs

In shunning you, pain,
I cut off a whole part of me that I decided was not Love
And proceeded to treat her with derision, with hatred, with scorn,
And so, ironically, I drove myself deeper into the pain that I was so desperate to avoid
And denied myself the opportunity to love myself in unconditional ways

I repent wholeheartedly,
For I know better now,
And it wasn’t until I lost everything and needed to be big enough to bear it
That I finally realized that I needed to be a whole person,
Not just the happy, good, charming, joyful half of me
That society and religion deemed to be “good,”

Integration brings healing,
And so
I embrace you, anger, and learn to stand up for myself and deny others the opportunity to hurt me
I embrace you, sadness, and allow Yahweh to hold me while I weep for the worlds that I’ve lost
I embrace you, pain, and allow you to show me the beauty of unconditional Love and the facets of Yahweh
within you
That can’t be seen anywhere else

I love you, all my emotions,


Saturday, September 7, 2019

Overturning the Tables in the Temple

My House was to be one of depth and connection of all people of all nations,
Of Love without condition given not only from Me to you,
But from one to another,
But you have made it a den of broken Promises and limited expressions of Love

And how dare you purport to represent the God of Unconditional Love
While rejecting those who need it most?
How dare you pretend to Love someone
And then brutalize and betray them when they don’t do what you want?
How dare you decide what is and is not acceptable in My Name
When you haven’t got My perspective… didn’t even bother to ask?

Instead you took the writings, reputations, and even some revelations
Of other men’s views of limitation
And you made a law of what I never called a law,
You made a conformity when I wanted individuality
You made a condition and regulation when I wanted unlimited and joyful unique expression
of every kind of Love in every kind of way

You created division when I wanted unity,
Created an ending when I wanted continual growth,
And you told people to settle when I told them to keep pioneering,
You created lack when I gave you all of everything and told you how to make more,
You created need when I had already provided the cattle on a thousand hills for you,
You created a hierarchy when I told you that My yoke was easy and My burden was light
And that not one single human being had to follow after another’s way

You created jealousy when I created different identity,
You created fear when I said that there was nothing to be afraid of,
You created bondage when I told you to be free,
And o, my sweet deluded people, I have always longed to gather you like a mother hen gathers chicks,
But not only would you not let me,
You crossed land and sea to make one convert and tell them that they cannot be gathered also,
Making him twice or more in bondage than yourself
And perpetuating a religion that
I never established, never created, never condoned, and never ordained

You ask for validation, for signs, for wonders,
For there to be some type of blessing to show that you are right and they are wrong
When I never gave you right and wrong,
When I never said you had to be the same to be right,
When I never asked you to pretend there is no darkness, there is no night
When I told you to find the mysteries and you decided to camp on the edge of conformity,
When I asked you to be there for each other,
But you didn’t want to confront your own mindsets in order to grow beyond your comfort zones

You had no right to do all of this in My Name,
To put words in My mouth that I never said,
To pretend to Love when you did not even stop long enough to let me teach you what Love really is,
When you couldn’t even come to Me and let me lavish My Love upon you
Because you needed that law to validate your life—
O, if you had let Me, I would have validated your life!

Come out of that old time religion
And trust yourself more than the interpretations of translations of revelations of other men,
Trust yourself more than those who speak the things you know aren’t true in your heart,
Trust yourself and trust Me,
Even if it costs you all of everything…

Don’t you see?
Oh, I long for you to see!
You are so much more than you were led to believe, than you now lead others to believe!

All I am asking is for you to be free,
For there were never meant to be money changers in the temple
And there was never meant to be a law among My People
And you were never meant to follow the teachings of another,
But rather to know yourself and know the revelation and Love of others
In such a way that allowed them to be them and you to be you and Love to be unconditional,
Not based on conformity and ritual,
So please stop making sons of Hell
When I never condemned a single soul to Hell
And all of Us have to learn to dwell
In the process knowing all is well,
Though it doesn’t look like you expected

So stop peddling snake oil and broken Promises in My Name,
And Love others with the Love I have for you,
And if you cannot do that yet,
Then at least leave behind the law and traditions
And let Me teach you Love,
Let Me show you Love,
Let Me remind you what unconditional Love really looks like,
O, let Me set you free!

Tuesday, August 27, 2019


They committed adultery
When they chose theology
And departed from Yahweh
By separating themselves from themselves
By standards, laws, and regulations
Instead of the perfection of love,
They chose a semblance of righteousness
That required them to hurt others,
To devalue others,
To see less of Yahweh in others,
To not allow others to be themselves,
But instead require conformity to a set of external laws
That they did not even originate
And which were never meant to be for everyone

And as the separated themselves from themselves,
They lost the divine in those whom they called
“Not my people,”
Showing them no mercy,
They cut off and killed the expressions of those
Who were not considered worthy,
Not knowing the whole time
That they were murdering their brothers
And ostracizing kin

But one day they shall grow beyond the lower expressions,
The silly rules and regulations that they hold around them as righteousness,
They shall see the divine light
And honor Yahweh in each man,
And again they will partake of the fullness of the divine,
And all shall be One people
And Yahweh will be known among Us
As we gather together as One once again,
Separate only in the uniqueness of our expressions
Of the One Love that We are.

Monday, August 5, 2019

The Strong Ant

Once upon a time there was an ant who had to carry a boulder. The boulder was sitting atop a treasure that the ant could see, but not reach. Something within the ant yearned for this treasure; he valued it so much. He wanted to lift the boulder. But one single ant cannot life an entire boulder.

So the ant went to his friends, gathered them together, and told them of the treasure he knew was beneath the boulder. He knew that his fellow ants were expert carriers, for he had seen them carrying pebbles and big rocks. Surely, he thought, they would be strong enough to lift the boulder together!

The other ants listened to the first ant tell the story of the treasure beneath the boulder, and they began to get excited at the idea of partaking of the treasure themselves. And so they agreed with the first ant that the boulder should be lifted. Some ants did nothing more than agree, but others volunteered to help lift the boulder themselves, for they knew that a single ant could not lift the boulder alone.

So the first ant and his friends went to the boulder and began to lift. Right away, the first ant noticed that some of his friends were not strong enough to carry even part of the boulder. This was odd, for he had seen them carrying heavy things before, and so he had thought they would be capable of carrying only a part of this very great boulder, but they could not. So they fell away and left the group, and the boulder became a little bit heavier.

Some ants began to wonder why they were lifting the boulder in the first place. After all, they had not seen the treasure themselves. They had only heard about it from the first ant. Maybe this treasure was not worth all this effort. And so they left the group and fell away, and the boulder became a little bit heavier.

Some ants decided they would help the first ant lift the boulder in exchange for his help in aspects of their own lives. This quid pro quo lifting seemed like a good idea to them, until they began to realize that his boulder was much heavier than any of the rocks they had to lift themselves. They didn't think that was fair, and so they left the group and fell away, and the boulder became a little bit heavier.

After a time of trying to move the boulder, some ants found that lifting the boulder was heavy and hard work. Their muscles were straining and their legs becoming tired. They were no longer sure the treasure underneath the boulder would be worth the effort to carry it on to completion, and so they too fell away and left the group, and the boulder became a little bit heavier.

Some ants were overburdened by the heaviness of the boulder now, and so they decided to step back as well, perhaps not realizing that in doing so they were overburdening the ones who were left to an even greater extent. But they left the group and fell away, and the boulder became a little bit heavier.

The ant at the center of the boulder watched his friends break their promises to him over and over and over again. He began to be sad and angry. What's worse, he was still carrying the boulder on top of himself, almost too heavy for him to bear. And yet he had come too far, the treasure was too beautiful, to set it down now. He knew if he set it down, all hope of ever partaking of the treasure beneath the boulder would be lost. And yet, he also knew that the boulder was too heavy for one ant to bear alone. His friends were fleeing fast, and things were about to get harder as rain began to pelt the boulder, making it even heavier.

The ant began to despair. "Why did they promise to lift this boulder with me if they were not going to carry it on to completion?" he wondered aloud. "It would have been better not to promise at all than to break a promise halfway through!"

Then he thought about his friends who had broken their promises. It was clear that some were simply not strong enough to carry the boulder. He could not make them grow stronger. That would be up to them. Some ants did not have their own vision of the treasure. He could not give them that vision. That was something they needed to discover for themselves. Some ants only loved conditionally and needed an exchange for any support and help they gave. He was sad for them because they did not know greater love. That was also something he could not control. The ants who grew weary in lifting the boulder were no more weary than he was. Yet they had chosen to give up, and that was their choice. He could not make their choices for them. Some ants could have been crushed by the weight of the boulder, and though they were in no more danger than he was and a great deal less danger than he was in now, he could not fault them for wanting to set boundaries and save their own skins, though he wished they had been honest with them from the start.

The ant realized that his friends had their own choices to make, just as he did, and he could not judge or fault them for it. This did not make the boulder any less heavy, and he wished that his friends had been able to carry the boulder with him to the completion of removal. But they had not, and now he had to decide how to move it himself.

Fortunately, a few friends remained to help him. They struggled and toiled. They were injured. They nearly died, and they often wanted to. They cussed and screamed and hurt more than any of the faithless ants could have possibly realized. But in the end, they did move the boulder. And as the ant partook of the treasure beneath, he discovered even more than he had bargained for, for one of the treasures he found was the strength to move a whole fricken boulder!

And it will be good.

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Song of the Mystics

We, the Mystics, proudly arise
In this Age of Aquarius as is our time,
We are who we are; we don’t apologize
For moving beyond and living our lives

We, the Mystics,
Will make you uncomfortable,
For we do not conform to standard doctrine or theology,
We do not fit within prescribed boxes that history and tradition have made,
But we believe only that which we have heard from the very lips of God
And we build our worlds upon Him, upon Our Love, upon who We are
Instead of everything we’ve ever known

We have journeyed with you, among you, beside you,
And we will continue to do so,
But we will also go on, launching out in our coracles from the ship that brought us almost all the way,
As we reach the edge of the world in this theology that can go no further,
Still, we paddle on in our tiny little vessels,
For we will not ever cease to seek the greater things, the revelations, the face of Yahweh,
We shall learn to see Him in all things,
In ever-deepening ways,
Even in our own hearts and in everything that we are

We, the Mystics, are the dreamers,
The visionaries, those who are willing to see the Beginning and the End,
To endure the immense suffering of letting go of all we’ve known and built
In order to progress and grow,
The world does not understand us,
But we cannot be concerned with that,
For we are about our Father’s business,
And though sometimes we have no place to lay our heads
As we show fallacy to Pharisees,
We long to gather with the people of Jerusalem and love them,
And if they do not let us,
Still we will love them

Their opinions of us will vary
Depending on their comfort levels and what they see themselves,
One Sunday we are lauded with palms,
The next we are nailed to a cross,
But in all of this, we do not stop being who we are,
We do not stop relationship,
We do not cease to Love

We overturn tables in anger,
We weep beside the graves of loved ones,
We leave the ninety-nine to help a single sufferer,
And we feed thousands with the nourishment of Truth,
Yet not because we are better than any other,
Simply because we are who we are, and we are not denying this anymore

For we are all Mystics,
Each of us on our own journeys with Yahweh
In Truth and in Covenant,
And when we embrace and love our own selves,
We can share the beauty of who we are with each other self out there,

We are the Mystics
And we are glorious!

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Outside My Window

The trees are dragons made of leaves and dancing lights
That flicker behind them from streetlamps that come on as the sun sets,
They stare at me through my window,
But I do not fear them as they smile and snort and wink,
I enjoy seeing the faces,
Blinking at me in the twilight through the windows of my home,
Their soft beauty and the calm tranquility
Meshing together in the gloaming,
And I love this time of night,
The peace of the darkness reminds me
That there is no reason to despise the times
When the light is faint
And the darkness prevails,
That I can see such beauty and humor in the darkness,
Just as I can see it in the cute little dragon made of leaves
That winks at me through my window.