Grieving


Tonight,                                                                                                            
I had someone ask me if the pain were any less
Now that it’s been six months since the loss,
The biggest transition so far of my life,
And I realized for the first time
That this pain will always be this deep part of me,
It will never be any shallower—
Though perhaps it may seem so as I grow bigger—
It will always be there

It is a pain inherent with growth and motion and changing,
Not one based on misunderstandings that can be cleared up with a little communication,
Not one based on certain actions that will resolve once these actions are changed,

And yet, somehow it is also lessened now,
Not in depth and intensity,
But in the number of days it centers my life,
In the frequency of agonies,
In the comparable size of itself to my whole being,
For this pain is just a small part of me,
A sign of my own maturity
And my ability to overcome

Because the pain of grieving never leaves,
Even, I think, at the moment of reunion,
For this separation event has happened now,
And everything has changed,
And yet the more I grow and change myself,
The more the pain is added to
With new wonders and joys and experiences of Yahweh’s Love
That will allow me to set
This deep and intense and raw pain
In its place in the Tapestry of my life

Maybe someday it will be something I take out and caress
On holidays and birthdays
And special occasions that look different than I had imagined,
I trust that one day it will no longer blindside me in the parking lot
Or in the middle of the night when I can’t fall asleep for thinking of what might have been if only,
And someday it will not come to me in my dreams,
For I will have experienced it enough to know the joy of it,
The beauty of the ashes,
And it will be something that is a part of my being,
But not the only part,
Not even the most important part,
And certainly not a governing part,
But just a part,
A Thread in a glorious Tapestry
That’s so much more now that this Thread is there,
And yet it’s even more than that.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Life or Death?

Give it away! It’s not really yours! Toss it out, it is destined to die. Unless you release this, you’ll never have more. Cling to it, and you too will die. For nothing is lost that isn’t already perishing Yahweh gives all that endures. But you can’t take what lasts if you cling to what’s leaving Eventually, you have to choose. So give up what is nothing To gain what’s forever Don’t lose your soul To gain a dying world! For what Yahweh has for you Is a true treasure Eternity, Himself The Word. He planned things for you long before creation What He’s had for you has always been yours Receive it, embrace it with jubilation Walk in fulfillment purposed. So that is the choice take it AND leave it For you can’t have both at a time. Reality or illusion? Truth or deceivement? The choice is entirely yours. 
Read more

Fears

Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by enemies, dancing all around me Screaming Shouting into my head, into my heart In the mornings before school, And at night before bed When I can't stop thinking, can't stop thinking of all the mistakes I could make tomorrow, Remembering all the mistakes I made today, and yesterday, and the day before that one The times I screamed at kids, failed to motivate them, The times I didn't teach them anything or made them feel stupid And the enemy screams and shouts and pounds his drums In a frenzy And all I can hear is how awful I am And how I should quit and stop and leave and go And it's hard to hear the still, small, quiet voice of truth in my head, In my heart, Telling me what I've known all along, but forgot Forgot, forgot, forgot In the frenzy and pounding and screaming of the fears That tell me that I don't deserve to be here And what difference do I make anyway? But He just spoke to me yesterday, tol...
Read more

Weeping For Jerusalem

One time, Yahshua stood on a hill Overlooking the city He walked in, Lived in, worked in, played in, and He saw it And all of the people in it, those who did not know, And He was weeping, weeping for Jerusalem. Today, I stood in my classroom, The classroom I've taught in Worked in, played in, and I saw it, All of the people, who did not know And I felt like weeping, weeping for Jerusalem. There is a girl who thinks she is special Only when there is a boy to tell her so, A boy who thinks he's unworthy, Because no one has time for him, A girl who thinks it's her job To take care of her family--even though she's only twelve. And one girl has never even known what it's like To be safe and loved and warm in the night To her, what does it even look like to be free? She's never seen, she does not know. So I am weeping, weeping for Jerusalem Waiting, waiting for full redemption And as the bride I say, "Come!" Oh, Yahweh come! Come and...
Read more