To the Soldiers of the War of the Mind from A Veteran

I've been there,
Seen the days when you don't think that you can escape the pain,
or worse, the confusion as you wonder why:
Why must I always battle my own mind?

What's going on and why can't I see?
Why is there darkness that's all around me?
Why do I hate myself, or do I hate myself? I can't remember anymore,
But now I'm afraid and I'm not sure of anything

I remember those days...

I've been in the deepest and lowest pits of darkest Hell
Where I couldn't even trust myself
I was afraid that I would do something to myself that was irrevocable,
That I didn't deserve to love or to live or to be happy

I was afraid that nobody would ever love me and I would never be happy
I was afraid that I would die,

I remember those days!

I remember gasping for air as I felt that all around me were hostilities,
That nobody would care if anything bad happened to me,
That I was alone in the darkness,
That I would never escape the darkness
My heart would pound and I would shake with fear,
My body jerking and trembling in ways that I could neither control nor understand,
And all I could do was hold on to the glimmer of hope that there was a God somewhere near,
A God who loved me

I remember those days...

But I look back on those days now with a different perspective:
Oh I didn't know that Yahweh was holding me all along, weeping for me,
Straining with all of His omnipotent energy to get me to see Him,
Perceive Him,
Receive His Love for me...

It was because of Him that I lived and did not die,
It was because of Him that I endured the long night and found the joy that He Promised,
For joy truly does come in the morning
and now I can see
He did reach me
He reached through deepest, darkest Hell to find me
And show me that He was there all along,
And now I see,
For I remember Him

I remember that He Promised me from the Beginning that I would never be alone
That He showed me a special facet of His Love when He allowed me to be shaken,
but not destroyed,
That He saved me when He came to remind me of what I live in now:
Unspeakable joy

I will never again fear my mind, myself
I love myself and I know that I am loved
And I deserve to be happy
And I deserve to be treated with honor and respect and dignity
I will never again be afraid
That I will die or live in a neverending world of sorrow and darkness
For I have experienced His Joy
And now that is all that there is for me,
Until I remember those days
with gratitude and love,
For all that is left now is Him
And for me He is all that ever was.

I remember those days, though they did not exist for me. For now all that I see is Him.

To the soldiers in the war of the mind: I know where you are and I remember those days
And I am telling you,
The war is over
And there is another side
And it is so much better than you can understand right now,
But keep going.
It is worth it.
He is worth it.

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