Anatomy of Trauma

One—A lifeshattering event,

One that marks a place in your life indelibly into

Before

And

After

And in the moments after it happens, when you’re still dealing with the actual crisis,

You feel numb and focused,

Practical and maybe a little shaky,

But you seem so strong because you’re getting through it,

Making decisions,

Choosing how you will remember this moment

For the rest of your life

Two—the immediate aftermath

When the main crisis is past and you have time to process things

From the safety of your home or a place where you have gone to rest,

The reaction,

When your mind and body first realize

Everything that’s happened

There’s shaking,

There’s crying,

There’s nausea,

There’s a host of other symptoms that combine to tell you one thing:

This is not okay

Three—Shock

Everything is a fog and you are not sure what time it is, what day it is,

Or where you are

Somehow, you manage to continue to live and perform basic human functions,

But you often find yourself staring into space for no apparent reason

And unable to move until suddenly you’re shooting off to do whatever it is you were doing,

Did the trauma happen yesterday, a week ago, or last year?

When did you last eat?

How many days until you have to go back to work?

Where are you again?

I don’t know when I am!

It’s okay, just breathe,

I wish I could feel something

Numbness,

You feel sick

Four—Shock wears off

And you wonder why you wanted to feel anything,

The pain is so overwhelming you’re not sure you’ll survive

Nightmares haunt your nights

And panic attacks consume your days

And you’re one hundred percent certain

That the world will never be the same,

Even so,

You keep getting slapped in the face with reminders that

The world will never be the same,

And it’s a huge surprise

Sights, sounds, smells,

Plans for the future,

Memories of the past

They all conspire to tell you

How very much you’ve lost

And you’re not sure you want to go on without it,

But somehow you do

Five—Blame, regret, doubt

Well-meaning people around you

Do not understand why you’re still dealing with the pain,

Having never been through trauma before,

They don’t know how long it takes to overcome and move forward and heal,

And they send this subtle signal out

That you should be okay now

And you wonder if it’s true

That you should be okay now,

And you start to think back to those decisions you made in the moment,

Did you do the right thing?

What would you do if you could do it over?

And then you start thinking back even further,

Could you have prevented it?

Could you have stopped the tragedy if only you had…

Six—Fear

Now that your worst fears have come true in ways beyond the horror you’ve imagined,

There’s no reason to think that they will not do so again,

How many times can the world fall apart?

Ask Job,

And you live on the edge of a cliff

Knowing that at any moment, at any time,

The world could stop spinning on its axis

And for no apparent reason crumble into dust

Seven—Progress

And somehow in all of this, you’re still alive,

Still existing, still moving forward,

And you have no idea how that’s even possible

As the weight of all of these things happening at once

Threatens to overwhelm you,

Fear, guilt, agony, and shock combine to make your life a living nightmare,

And yet you press forward, continue on,

You go to work every day and clean the house

You go to the movies with a friend,

Listen to your favorite song on the radio,

And in between the moments of soul-crushing despair,

You have hope

And maybe greater things are yet to come

And some kind of joy is still possible for you

Even though your world has ended

And you have to be willing to redefine the look of joy

And keep living.