An Open Letter to My Emotions

Hey guys,

It’s been a long time,

And I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you,

Sorry I pretended you did not exist

Or tried to force you into some acceptable, logical, religious form that could be displayed

And understood by others,

Or stuffed you down in guilt and shame so that you seemed to disappear,

But were really always there hiding in the deepest depths of my being,

In the recesses of my memories,

In the subconscious decisions and dreams,

In the very cells of my body,

My bad…

I really should have known better,

Should have known that you were there to help me, to make me into the whole,

Beautiful, well-rounded person that I am,

To guide me in my decision-making,

To connect me to others,

Should have known that I would not be feeling you without a good reason,

But society told me that if I displayed you in certain ways,

I would be ridiculed and mocked, unsafe in my own expression,

And religion told me you were sinful,

That you needed to be tightly controlled or I would be displeasing God…

God, who gave you to me in the first place!

And so I did what I thought I had to do,

I mutilated you, I cut you into shreds and chose some shreds as allowable and others as anathema

In the good section, I put joy, peace, happiness, patience, compassion

In the evil section I put anger, sadness, fear, resentment, pain

And then I spent my life seeking good and shunning evil to the point where

I did not learn how to deal with or acknowledge the fact that someone hurt me,

To the point where I did not learn how to have healthy discussions with those with whom I disagree

To the point where I did not learn how to read you and let you show me the facet of Love

That you were designed to show me,

To sift through the nuances and understand you so that

I could glide through situations and relationships with greater awareness

In shunning you, anger, I allowed people to hurt me and then tell me that the only reason I was hurt

Was because I was too sensitive or too easily offended,

That basically they should be able to do whatever they wanted, say whatever they wanted,

And I should feel guilty if I wasn’t okay with it

In shunning you, sadness, I refused the comfort of the LORD when I was in the darkest of situations,

The guilt I felt for feeling you made me work so hard to get rid of you so that I could once again be acceptable

to the God who longed to meet me within you and hold me while I wept and grieved and felt things deeply

That I couldn’t meet Him there,

And instead floundered in agony without glory until you left me alone and I felt joy once again,

Thus losing out on the opportunity to know Yahweh in a way that can only be known in the deepest despairs

In shunning you, pain,

I cut off a whole part of me that I decided was not Love

And proceeded to treat her with derision, with hatred, with scorn,

And so, ironically, I drove myself deeper into the pain that I was so desperate to avoid

And denied myself the opportunity to love myself in unconditional ways

I repent wholeheartedly,

For I know better now,

And it wasn’t until I lost everything and needed to be big enough to bear it

That I finally realized that I needed to be a whole person,

Not just the happy, good, charming, joyful half of me

That society and religion deemed to be “good,”

Integration brings healing,

And so

I embrace you, anger, and learn to stand up for myself and deny others the opportunity to hurt me

I embrace you, sadness, and allow Yahweh to hold me while I weep for the worlds that I’ve lost

I embrace you, pain, and allow you to show me the beauty of unconditional Love and the facets of Yahweh

within you

That can’t be seen anywhere else

I love you, all my emotions,

Sincerely…

Me