Mourning

At first there’s only shock,

The incredulity, spending hours convincing yourself that

This is really happening and there’s no going back,

The physical reactions as your body struggles to process what your mind cannot comprehend

Then, there is grief,

But grief is a complicated being,

Especially when tempered by trauma,

And it’s not as simple as being sad,

It’s a combination of shock, anger, sadness, fear,

That incredulity is still there

Because “how is this possible” and “this has never happened before”

And it hasn’t,

You’ve never lost this person before,

They’ve always been there, been alive,

And now they’re not

And with trauma and post-traumatic stress

There are panic attacks and anxiety loops

And wondering if the other shoe is going to drop

Now that the shoe has finally dropped and shown you how many shoes are hanging above your head

right now, fully capable of dropping at any second—

A sword of Damocles for each and every person that you love

And the processing takes forever,

Assimilating the fact that you have lost everything and yet survived into this new reality that will never be

the old reality,

Assimilating that they’re truly gone—forever—that the life you lived is truly gone forever,

And not even in a hopeless way because life never really ends,

But that life you knew…

Can never come back,

It will never be the same

And you realize you haven’t just lost a person,

You’ve lost a way of being,

A relationship,

Everything you were to one another has changed,

And your whole life must shift around this void that was once

You and him, you and her,

You go to check your messages and realize

It cannot be from them,

You leave town and realize they won’t need you to come back,

Your whole mindset on life is changed now,

Your relationship with that person is changed now,

And all that is left, and is hopefully recognizable,

Is the Love you shared together

And it is then that you enter mourning,

Though shock and grief and trauma are still there,

But in mourning you acknowledge and accept the loss that you have endured,

The incredibly deep agony of the destruction of all things,

The end of the world as you knew it,

And you cry,

You weep,

You keen because it’s never, ever, ever coming back

And then you grow,

You hope,

You realize that’s okay

Because things do change and things will change,

But Love remains the same,

And so even though all of the pieces that once made up your life

Are in such a completely different order and place that can bear no resemblance to the life you once knew,

They are all still there,

We are all still here,

Grief and hope,

The agony of loss and the recognition of the eternity in which nothing can ever be lost,

Mourning is an oil of joy,

Growth is inherent in life and loss is inherent in change,

But Love remains the same.