Transitions

 Transitions are so hard after trauma,

Your body, already on hypervigilance from all that you’ve endured

Takes the change as a sign that, once again,

You are about to suffer and lose everything you hold dear,

One small change in routine

Can end up a nightmare

As your body kicks you into flight or flight mode

And the transition becomes a trigger

 

You try to stay afloat,

Telling yourself that everything will be okay and that after the transition will come some sense of stability,

You rehearse to yourself what it will be like after the transition,

Remind yourself that you’re not really losing everything,

Things are just changing,

You think that if your mind has a stable place to land, your body will follow,

But this year even if that were the case,

There is no stability in front of you,

And it’s not like that’s the case anyway,

Because it takes a long time to teach your body that it is safe

After it is has been through so much suffering

 

At the beginning of the times of transition,

Your body felt equal parts terror and hope,

And it took many losses, many transitions, and many disappointments

To finally convince it that

Things are never going back to normal

And this transition doesn’t mean that those who’ve died will come back to life,

That those events that scarred you will never have happened,

That the losses you’ve faced will be restored

And you can finally go home,

 

Now, you feel only the terror,

The uncertainty of what life will be like after this transition

And all that might get lost in the process,

Especially if you cannot hold things together,

Especially if you cannot meet the demands that will be placed upon you,

Especially if you cannot figure out the secret magic of how not to lose things,

Which you try and try and try to discover even though you’ve never been successful at it before,

As evidenced by all your many losses,

And now you’re exhausted before the work has even begun,

So you’re even less likely to be successful at not losing things

 

You want to be comforted,

To trust in the people, objects, routines, and resources you have left to you,

But at this point so many have been lost that you cannot be sure these others will not also fall away,

Especially during this time of transition

So you do not know how to be comforted,

And you weep and mourn for what was lost,

Unable to be comforted

Because they are no more

 

You hold on, for the transition must be endured,

And there is a part of you that knows that stagnation is death and growth is part of life,

And transitions must be a part of growth,

You are weary, but you see the value in continuing the journey,

So you keep pressing on even though it feels like you cannot take another step,

For the world spins merrily onward

Even though it obviously ended,

And you don’t really get to take a break

 

Still at some point loss must end and building must begin,

For it doesn’t make sense to endure infinite destruction if we live in an infinite creation,

And so you hope that one day this will be over,

Transitions will one day be joyful evidence of increase,

And you can finally rest.