Fears

Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by enemies, dancing all around me
Screaming
Shouting into my head, into my heart
In the mornings before school,
And at night before bed
When I can't stop thinking, can't stop thinking of all the mistakes I could make tomorrow,
Remembering all the mistakes I made today, and yesterday, and the day before that one
The times I screamed at kids, failed to motivate them,
The times I didn't teach them anything or made them feel stupid
And the enemy screams and shouts and pounds his drums
In a frenzy
And all I can hear is how awful I am
And how I should quit and stop and leave and go

And it's hard to hear the still, small, quiet voice of truth in my head,
In my heart,
Telling me what I've known all along, but forgot
Forgot, forgot, forgot
In the frenzy and pounding and screaming of the fears
That tell me that I don't deserve to be here
And what difference do I make anyway?

But He just spoke to me yesterday, told me He loved me
And I deserved to stay
That it was ok to love myself
And believe in myself
And see myself as good

And even though I know that what He said is true,
I also find myself aware for the first time with a sickening knowledge
That it is possible to know something is true
And not believe it
And I cry, I cry out to my Father,
"Oh, LORD, I believe! Help my unbelief."

And I feel so alone, so sad and afraid because tomorrow
I have to do it all over again,
Fight the voices and the lies and the enemy
And go and try to make something impossible happen
When everyone knows that only Yahweh can make the impossible possible
But they won't stop pushing me to keep trying to do what I can't.

But I'm no quitter
I won't give up, give in, stop, leave, or go
I will keep listening, searching for the still small voice
The one that tells me Truth
And one day, one day I will believe it, too,
Not just know it to be true
And then I will share it with others.

Remember this poem,
For one day I will share it with you.

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