Grieving


Tonight,                                                                                                            
I had someone ask me if the pain were any less
Now that it’s been six months since the loss,
The biggest transition so far of my life,
And I realized for the first time
That this pain will always be this deep part of me,
It will never be any shallower—
Though perhaps it may seem so as I grow bigger—
It will always be there

It is a pain inherent with growth and motion and changing,
Not one based on misunderstandings that can be cleared up with a little communication,
Not one based on certain actions that will resolve once these actions are changed,

And yet, somehow it is also lessened now,
Not in depth and intensity,
But in the number of days it centers my life,
In the frequency of agonies,
In the comparable size of itself to my whole being,
For this pain is just a small part of me,
A sign of my own maturity
And my ability to overcome

Because the pain of grieving never leaves,
Even, I think, at the moment of reunion,
For this separation event has happened now,
And everything has changed,
And yet the more I grow and change myself,
The more the pain is added to
With new wonders and joys and experiences of Yahweh’s Love
That will allow me to set
This deep and intense and raw pain
In its place in the Tapestry of my life

Maybe someday it will be something I take out and caress
On holidays and birthdays
And special occasions that look different than I had imagined,
I trust that one day it will no longer blindside me in the parking lot
Or in the middle of the night when I can’t fall asleep for thinking of what might have been if only,
And someday it will not come to me in my dreams,
For I will have experienced it enough to know the joy of it,
The beauty of the ashes,
And it will be something that is a part of my being,
But not the only part,
Not even the most important part,
And certainly not a governing part,
But just a part,
A Thread in a glorious Tapestry
That’s so much more now that this Thread is there,
And yet it’s even more than that.

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